What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 23:55
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
All the time i was locked up.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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My family never makes their pension either.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She loved him until the end.
Do you want to have an XXX chat?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
What did i know ?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Do people have to be a pastor to baptize?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
What does a passable feminine crossdresser look like?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But ive been too sick for many years..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
If you caught a shoplifter at your yard sale, how would you handle it?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was scared of men, in general
I could never make a relationship work though!
Some men love anal sex more than vaginal sex. Why?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Do you know of a female masseuse that does door-to-door service in Bangalore?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And i lived it daily.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She wouldn,t have been !
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
This is soul school!.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
When she asked me how she looked .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
It was going to be , some day.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He resisted the act ,that day.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was very sick at this time too.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Who then, do I blame.?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im still living with it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I write beautiful poetry .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So whats the point in blame.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was 9 years of age.
We all went to grammer schools
But it wasn’t much.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Put me off passion for life!!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Comes on , in middle age.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She was in good health!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He knew the spot.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I think the readers, may guess!
One cannot live in the past .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She married twice! .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Why did i forgive my father ?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was seconnd youngest,
I will be 64.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I waited trembling.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
So, i spoilt her more .
Ive learnt so much.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I said to her
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We were not on the streets..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She found it foreign!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But, we were locked up after school.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Would this be the day?
Was to survive, this bastard.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Especially a lifetime of it.
I have no regrets .
I don,t even have a pension.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My life is so biszare .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.